A testimony of the HEART

It's not the circumstances that you overcome but what God does in us that makes it a testimony.  The test is how we respond, move out and move on, get through to the other side.  Everyone, believer and non-believer has circumstances.  You in your self-reliance can change the world around you, but only God Himself can change, can transform the world inside you.  In Him we truly overcome.  Now you have a story to tell that gives Him ALL the honor and glory, for it's what He does, not what we do that makes our life great, makes it matter, makes in impactful and inspiring.

       Let us always sing, "Lord I need You. Oh I need You. 
                                        Every hour I need You.
                                        My One Defense, My Righteousness. 
                                        Oh God, how I need You.

                                        Where sin runs deep, Your Grace is more.
                                        Where Grace is found is where You are.
                                        And where You are, Lord, I am free.
                                        Holiness is Christ in me."
                                       

 Romans 12:1-3 "And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us."

If we are not aware, acknowledging our own daily, if not moment by moment failings... sins... How can Grace step in?
Proverbs 20:9 "Who can say, "I have cleansed my heart; I am pure and free from sin?"

Where is the line of walking in His authority, power, faith, grace and favor yet remaining truly humble, in Love and complete reliance on the Source of All that is good and Holy?  Often times we focus more on what we do, when God clearly cares more about matters of our heart condition.

(Prov 24:12, Ex 36:26, Duet 30:6, Rom 2:29, Mark 7:21, I Chr 29:17...)

Proverbs 27:19 "As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person"

And the action that honors His is that which comes from Him.  So do we spend more time seeking God's power or experiencing His transforming power which is the testimony combined with His blood that overcomes (Rev. 12:11).

So what is hidden in our hearts? Where are we being deceived? What really comes first in our lives... our understanding or seeking Our Father in heaven?  What is your current testimony of God's transforming power in your heart and who are you helping by sharing it?  It's not always the end of the story that gives hope. Some people need to hear about God carrying you, exposing new things in your heart in the meantime.  After all, its how solid the foundation is that makes the house strong for those who need shelter, not how good it looks from the outside.  Be encouraged to know when you give God your raw materials He creates something so authentically, really beautiful and true. A true testimony of the heart.

Good Grief...

Today my dear friend Ricky went to heaven.  Why does life feel so short sometimes.  No more than 26 yo and yet in the "middle" of his life on earth with a beautiful wife, baby boy, new house, new job...  My heart cries with loss.

How do you move forward in a moment like this?  You don't.  You let pain have it's turn.  Grieve in peace.  It's ok to question. As long as you still trust The plan you don't know and understand because what you do know and hold True is God Loves You and it's His plan we trust.  

Grief is a process.  It's our process of loss in our lives.  If we don't allow ourselves to go thru it we end up dysfunctional, stuck or moving as broken people, bitter, angry or emotionless.  Don't try and figure out why or how this could be...  We feel robbed.  Now is not the time for understanding and answers to those questions. Now is the time for prayer, Love and grief.  Let God turn the mourning into dancing and trade beauty for ashes when the soul is settled.  

I feel like my brother is gone. I will miss my sweet friend.  He gave so much life, joy and happiness to friends, family and even strangers.  His smile brightened a room and had a light filled with warmth.  His nature was peaceful.  Everyone liked Ricky.  My heart hurts for his wife who's heart was solely his.  Their love was a beautiful example of how God makes a very special spouse in mind just for you.  They were perfect for each other and so in love. And his son, who won't know him the way we do.  Somehow God will restore the both of them what has been lost.  But it's hard to imagine...

My Salvation Story

My Salvation Story...

I don't think there's been only one moment I can remember when Jesus became my Savior, but more of that being changed from glory to glory thing.  For as long as I can remember hearing about Jesus, talking about Jesus, singing about Jesus and spending time in His presence has always been in my heart and filled me with a joy that I knew nothing else could.  In my toddlerhood I was introduced to Him as I was "adopted" into the family of my babysitter who had a geneology of people who loved the Lord.  That is where I believe the seeds were planted in me to desire that relationship and find fulfillment through Jesus.  As I grew and my life was filled with different directions and different influences I never waivered in what I believed.  I would go to a Christian summer camp every year until I was 13 and I can remember several times when they would ask who wanted to ask Jesus into their heart, I was ready and willing.  Maybe the first time was when I was 8. It was always moving and left me feeling peace and joy.  I remember expressing when I was 12 that I didn't understand the Bible and I believe the Message Bible had come out around that time and the visiting pastor at the camp gave me his.  I still have it today...  I felt like I was always searching for Jesus because I never really understood how to have a relationship with Him and only got glimpses of it through other people around me.  We moved a lot growing up and never went to church regularly except on holidays or the days I would ask mom to take me and she would agree.  

At 13 I had just started my first year of public school and the 7th grade. Definitely one of the worst years of my life.  Up until then I had gone to a Christian school and was cocooned with people who had some foundation of Love. I quickly learned that in order to be liked, I had to be the "top" dog and fit in with the "cool" crowd.  This of course lead me down a path away from everything I had known to be good, right and true.  From 13 to 15 y.o. I lived a life full of partying, emotions, worldly behavior and didn't really care or connect with much about God. However, I was still searching for what could fill me and make me whole.  By the end of my freshman year, I was begging my mom to send me away to a private Christian boarding school that I had learned of from friends at the camp I had gone to and my "adopted" family, the Richards.  It seemed like people were so nice there and welcoming.  I longed to feel like I belonged, and when God opened those doors we were all surprised.  During my first year there I rededicated my life to God, entered into a real relationship with Him, got baptised by water and started living my life for Him in the way I knew.  Finally I believe I had found what I was looking for.  A life of wholeness, a life of belonging, a life of Truth and meaning.

Since then I have had my back sliding and coming back to wanting to live for only God but I can look back and see how God has taught me so many lessons, never left my side and brought me to a beautiful place of surrender.  I'm still growing and learning but thats one of my favorite things about God.  He allows us to learn from our mistakes instead of condemning us and at the same time Loves us way to much to leave us as we are.  His Mercy and Love truly endure Forever.  

"For I know the plans (thoughts) I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-13  

Perspective

"The slightest change in Your perspective can change your life." -  Pam Winters

Of all the things I heard this weekend at a ladies leadership... why does this stick out so much? I think because I am learning how limited my life has been based on my perspective. What is perspective? Such a vague word with just a dictionary definition until it becomes a word that affects our lives. To me, perspective is the filter we look through. It varies in size, shape, color, clarity all based on our beliefs, experiences and understanding. It affects the way we think or view our life, circumstances, opportunities, people...   I heard Creflo Dollar say that Right Understanding leads to Right Belief which, I then say, leads to a Right Philosophy that is the foundation of your life in which we make all our decisions.
I think we are  in life where we are based on our decisions and our words. Why OUR words? Well, because frankly, words matter. They impact our lives. They can change the way we think about something, someone. And who do we hear more often than anyone else? Ourselves. That is why my friend, there is Victory over any situation just around the corner, when your words line up with God's Word who only dwells in, plans and creates Victory. He is Victory, but more importantly, He wants Victory for all of us... "As earth as it is in heaven"...
Our decisions... well that is something we have to take ownership of,  responsibility for, however you want to word it.  And this is where I believe Perspective comes in to play. Because the more understanding we have, the better our perspective usually is. That's where the old saying, Until you've walked in their shoes, you won't understand.  It explains so much when you see a child who maybe acts a certain way at school that doesn't make sense and then you find out the situation at home that you wouldn't dream of having your children face. Or that girl who is more friendly than she should be with all the guys, knowing she'll be called names but does it anyways because that's the only time she ever hears or is made to feel like she matters, even if she knows its a lie. Or the family member that is always at odds with someone else in the family and doesn't seem to care how much drama they create but secretly hates themselves and doesn't know how to genuinely love anyone because you can't give what you don't have. "Hurting people Hurt people" - Joyce Meyer always says.
Doesn't it change our perspective when we understand that?

So here's my recent revelation on perspective...
I always had a hard time understanding why the God of the old testament and the God of the new testament seemed to be so different.  I know there is only one God, and He is the same today as he was in the beginning.. whenever that was... lol. Sooo for example the whole Israelites having to wander in the wilderness for 40 years and not being able to go into the Promised Land until they all died off because of their unbelief always seemed so different from the disciples who got second, third, fourth chances to have faith during their journey with Jesus while he was teaching and ministering.

Well, I have been studying God's Grace and Love for us and WOW, has it opened my eyes, given me understanding and a New PERSPECTIVE of why things happened the way they did.
So remember how God promised that He was giving this land to His people and then the spies were sent out, 2 came back with faith filled responses and 10 came back with fear filled responses? Well the reason God told them they would have to wander in the wilderness was because he knew they did not have the faith and Trust in Him that He would help them defeat the Giants in their way and therefore would die fighting them and never inherit the Promised Land like He promised. And since His promises are ALWAYS true and He is always Faithful to what He has SAID, He had another plan in which they might continue to live, have families, make memories, grow, learn and die naturally and then allow their children to Fight the Fight with Faith so that the legacy and generations would still have the Promised Land. It was His Love and Faithfulness toward them that lead to Plan B. Not some form of punishment for lack of faith. That comes from the Enemy. That's his doing... to kill, steal and destroy.
Ahmazing! When you have the right Perspective based on the TRUTH, it sets you Free!  So when something doesn't make sense or seem unfair or makes you mad, seek Truth, God's Word and a Relationship with the One who gives us true perspective based on Love and Goodness and your whole life will change! And that's what I'm excited about!

It was Love at First Sight

They say every pregnancy, labor and delivery are just as different as the babies themselves. Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad, lol. In fact...I'll just say that this labor and delivery had me feeling like a professional. 

So just like with Truitt, I decided to go the home birth with a midwife route. I found a new birth center that I absolutely loved and all the midwives in it. Despite the drive to Chantilly for the appts, I would highly recommend Nova Birth Center and their amazing team to Everyone looking to do a natural birth center/home birth.  The Birth Center itself is spectacular and almost had me tempted to deliver there in one of their wonderfully unique and all encompassing birthing rooms. I did however choose to do a water birth at home which was a fantastic decision. I had rented a birthing pool that was inflatable so it was nice a cushiony where I felt I could relax the best. They say that the birthing pool is like the natural birth's "epidural". Sounded good to me!

Truitt, Nonny and I would make day trips every appt and always found something fun to do. No one was more excited than Truitt to meet you. He loved listening to you and feeling you in my belly.

So with all the preparations made I found myself waiting, feeling like a pot of water coming to a boil. Your due date...Oct 28 -Nov 3.  The ultrasound said Oct 28, midwives said Nov 1, the pregnancy app said Nov 3. Mom had decided you would definitely come end of Oct due to some crazy storm intended to take place where all travel would be impossible, leaving her and Daddy to deliver the baby by themselves! Moms... so funny.  I eventually got tired of sitting around, waiting to burst so decided Daddy and I would go to dinner with some friends and talk about our future.  And wouldn't you know it, driving home from the restaurant, at exactly 10 pm, MY Water Breaks in the car... AGAIN! If I had known I just needed to be in the car driving somewhere with DJ we would have done that weeks ago, LOL.

I looked for something to sit on and found DJ's sweatshirt, Then called Mom. Truitt had just gone to sleep so Poppy came over, grabbed him and the dog while we were still making our way there.  Next call was to the midwives. Peggy Franklin asked if I wanted them to come now or wait until I started having contractions and I decided it would be nice for her and the birthing assistant, Joann to come now.  While we waited for them to arrive, Daddy and Nonny went about filling the pool, which we had already blown up, with nice hot water! As enticing as it was, I waited until the midwives arrived before getting in.  Mild to moderate contractions started around 11pm and the midwives got there at 11:30 pm. Peggy checked me and I could tell by the response that I wasn't too far along. Plus she said that you were head down but facing the wrong way. Not a medical emergency but much easier to deliver if we could get you turned. She recommended we all find a place to lay down and try and get some rest and in between contractions for me to do the "Shake, Rattle and Roll" technique.  Lay on one side with my top leg up into my chest for 5 contractions, then flip (as if a 41 week preggers can "flip", lol) onto the opposite side and do the same thing and then flip up onto my hands and knees.  Repeat. Mom and I stayed in my room, the midwives off to the spare room and Truitt's room and Daddy vanished to the basement we found out later. 

I tried to rest but the contractions started to get more intense and more frequent though still irregular in timing. Well, much in line with my pregnancies, it wasn't long before I felt like I had to puke. Yuck! So up came the very yummy burger and fries from dinner and on came the contractions even more.  I decided it was time to get in the pool. So with the midwives approval I changed and into it I seeped. Ahhhh.... I still remember the instant relaxation. This was about 1:45 am. 

Soon a friendly face peered into the room, Auntie Katie. Much to our surprise, due to her coordinating coming up (which I was totally cool with) with Daddy who no one had seen since 11:30! and because he feel asleep and wasn't answering his phone she was waiting in the car for 45 min! Sheesh! Nevertheless, glad to see her I proceeded to keep track of the contractions and decided it was time for the energy boosting pucker ade I had made, frozen and instructed DJ to be his only responsibility during the entire process. So in search of him she went and by the time they got back I had gone into transition and was pretty sure I was about to start pushing. Ready or Not, Here You come!!  The midwives came in, checked me, said I was good to go and to just listen to my body.  Push when I felt like pushing, rest when I needed to rest, etc. So that's what I did. 

Katie told me later that as her and Daddy watched she asked if he was going to help.  His response, "Naa, I'm good over here.  They got it." LOL! Thank the Lord for my mama who definitely talked me through it and in 15 min baby Dash came swimming out, literally you were kicking your legs even after they laid you on my chest. 

Dashel Alexander Marcussen had arrived on Nov 5, 2012 at 3 am, 8 lbs 8 oz, almost 22 inches long. Blue Eyes, Dark Brown Hair and the most beautiful newborn I had ever seen.  Perfectly shaped from head to toe, no vernix, blood, nothing on him. Lots of hair. It was truly love at first sight. 

The midwives said it was such a clean, beautiful birth they didn't believe it could be my last.  I told them, bet me, lol. We'll see who laughs last. It may not be me though because you have helped me slow down and fully appreciate the gift of a newborn baby to hold and cherish. Only time will tell...

Five hours from start to finish and you had already lived up to your name as you dashed out as if you were excited to meet everyone.  Daddy, Aunt Katie and Nonny cried, while you and I just chilled. Daddy finally came to and took pictures, cut the cord and stuck around while the midwifes measured and checked you out.

After about an hour Daddy went back to sleep, the midwives left, Nonny went to work since it was a Monday and Auntie Katie stuck around to help me while we caught up on some sleep. Truitt and Poppy came to meet you after lunch, and I never saw a more excited little boy. He had been asking and waiting for your arrival with more anticipation than anyone else.  He wanted to introduce you to all his friends, hold you and kiss you.  It was truly Love at first sight all over again.  And although he had picked out 3 names for you, Moose, Dash and Flash... he conceded to Dashel and has never called you anything but.  

2 +1 = 3

At the request of a friend, I have been asked to share me and my baby's birth stories. So... I will.
Once upon a Time, there was a girl named Katie O'Grady, who married a boy named DJ Marcussen. And so their journey began as two very different people, trying to learn the "How to Become One" part of life when all of a sudden... BAM...3 months go by and she finds out she's been impregnated! Say WHAT???!!! That was not in the plans! Their plan anyways :)
So of course she decides to surprise her husband and be creative by writing Hello Daddy on her belly and telling him there's someone she'd like him to meet.  Cute, Right? Excitement, Nervousness, Uncertainty followed by his deafening Silence... and then a disappearing act for about 8 hours.  For Real? This 2 becoming 1 just went from Hard to Ruh Row! Eventually he came home with flowers, a card and a reassuring hug. 

Fast forward approximately 9 months later and into 1st person...

I had decided to do the natural birth thing despite the loving warnings from everyone except my mom and husband who were no stranger to the all natural options in life. My husband being on the verge of crunchy and my mom having had delivered my brother at home, no meds with a midwife, were all for it, as was I.  At first I decided to have the baby at the closest birth center at the time which was 45 min away in Alexandria. I loved my appts and the quality time spent with my mom as she went with me every time. But about a month before my due date I decided to have him at my mom's and do a home birth with the reassurance from my birthing assistant and mom that I could do it and would really enjoy the atmosphere and not having to travel. Really, the thing that made me change my mind was they made me believe in myself and my delivery.  So with that decision made I started counting down the days...

Oct 3 was his due date which rolled on by with no signs of impending birth, so come that Sunday Oct 5 we were just doing our normal thing, headed from our friends house to my parents house around 5 pm and my water broke! I laugh when I think about how I responded...
Me: Uhh, DJ... I think my water just broke
DJ: Really? How do you know?
Me:  Well, there's definitely liquid coming out of me and I'm not peeing myself!
(we crack up) Even more so when we realized my phone was between my legs and totally water logged. That was an interesting story to tell the Verizon people!

When we arrived at my parents I called my birthing assistant, Claudia, who started the phone chain. The on-call midwife, Susan called and asked me some questions. (TMI warning) Determined the graying stuff in the fluid coming out was a minimal amount of meconium and she would be on her way. Why go into that much detail... because it relates to the end of the story. Hang in there.
So as it progressed into the night and early morning I had slowly worked my way to 7 cm dilated. I tried the bath and all the relaxation techniques I had learned in the Bradley Courses. However with my husband, who was supposed to be my "coach" in the process, sleeping, I resorted to zoning in and found my comfort spot in a rocking chair. You can't imagine the pain during labor but I was well informed there would be some, lol. I knew though I would not allow myself to say or think "I can't do this". I'd seen enough "birthing videos and stories" to know I could! What one woman can do...Another woman can do, lol. And I knew it may not be everyone's desire but it was mine. It was in my typed up Birth Plan and therefore, it was going to happen. So I conceded to allow myself to think and say, "I don't know how much longer I can do this..." Minor difference but it made all the difference.  I had set my mind and I had prepared myself to keep it set. You can't Try natural birth. You must Choose it. Otherwise... the pain is just too real, lol. 

With that, I must take a Time Out to elaborate on why I chose a home birth. Don't worry, it's probably not what you think.  I am a firm believer in this process of delivering a human being, to be one that meets the needs, beliefs and desires of the Mom involved.  It is a moment in your life that will have significance and Permanent Memory forever. I am very for it being a very personal, thought out decision and no way that delivers a healthy baby and mom is wrong. Well... except non medically emergency necessary C-sections and their knife happy surgeons.  But that is a pedestal I will not be climbing today. My reasons for a home birth were mostly based on the non-invasive avenue: No needles (NOT a Fan!) Thinking of the long epidural needle gives me the heebee geebees. The low key, positive, comfortable, controlled atmosphere of my home both during and after labor and delivery.  The ability to only have people I knew that would support ALL my desires and whose beliefs ran along side of mine with how the process should go. No shift changes, Unfamiliar Drs or nurses, etc. And maybe more but you get the picture.

Time In! So about this time my midwife suggests I walk down the stairs and get a Coke! ARE YOU CRAZY? I'm having a baby here! However, I wasn't drinking enough fluids. I think I took the smallest sips known to man! and I needed the boost of sugar for energy.  Plus... The having contractions on the stairs thing works! Because by the time I got to the bottom I told her I was about to push this baby out whether she liked it or not. So up the stairs we went and wouldn't you know I was at 10 cm! Push Time!! 
Three hours later... Push Time!!! Why so long Katie? I don't know... my body just wasn't figuring this whole pushing thing out real well. In case you're wondering...( TMI Warning) It should feel like you are taking the biggest dump of your life! I do believe towards the end I even asked if she would just reach in there and pull him OUT! LOL. Funniest part of the pushing part...while I was birthing this melon out of a lemon, My elbow was digging into DJ's thigh who was straddling me from behind to support my back but no way was he saying anything! Good thing we got it on video b/c that was H I Larious!
But nevertheless, in the end, Truitt Marshall Marcussen was born Oct 6, 2008 at 10:14 am. 8 lbs, 20 inches.

First Response: "Woa do you look like your Daddy!"
Second Response:  "Who ever says you forget this pain is on drugs!!"

Sidenote: Although he was great in the beginning, there was a minor concern he may have swallowed some meconium because his apgar dropped. We did end up transporting to the hospital where by the time he got there had fully recovered, however because I was not there at the time, They bottle fed him!! :( and then made us stay for 2 days due to hospital rules! Boo! Furthering my dislike of hospital births. No Matter.

So how did this chapter end... With a Very Loved little Boy who changed our world forever and although we thought we were not ready in our marriage to take on the responsibility of a little life it was the best thing that could of happenned because in the end it made us grow up and Become One, So that we could start a Family with the right Foundation. (Read Our 6th Year...) Not 1+1+1=3 but 2+1=3!  Happy as can Be!

Our 6th Year...

So... I have been inspired to start a blog.  Not sure why... maybe as a way to journal important moments that maybe one day I'll forget and want to remember. Maybe a way to leave small impressions in the lives around me, prayerfully always for the positive. Maybe a way to express myself in a way I don't normally. A way to use words to create something as I don't view myself as a very creative person.  Maybe to feel as if I  am more multi-faceted than what I seem. I really don't know except that it's been something I have contemplated for a while and it seems to me that if it's going to keep coming back then I should just do it! I hope to write meaningful words, thoughts, dreams, revelations, memories and moments that are worth reading.  
I like the idea of leaving something behind that my children can go back and read and seeing as so many of my journals from the past are either missing or not worth reading...maybe this can be it. I guess barring that google sticks around for another 80 years, :)
So what shall my first blog really be about...

WEll... Today is my 6th year wedding anniversary to my amazing husband, +DJ Marcussen . He wasn't always my favorite...but he sure is now.  I love so much about him it would take too long to write.  We entered our marriage on faith which held us together for the first 2 years, maybe 3...And every year has blossomed more into a the treasured gift God meant for us when He destined us for each other.  This past year, I must admit, has been my favorite yet.  He grows more into the Man God created him to be which grows me more into the Woman created for him.  How do you put a limit on what you are willing to do or say or change to have the most complete Union and Oneness you'll ever experience with another person?
 I think a lot of people try and create that with their children because they are so easy to love and naturally bond with, but I don't believe it can ever match the Oneness you are meant to have with your spouse.  It leaves many marriages feeling a void, a distance, a barrier between the two that started the family and the family should encircle around.  The husband and wife were designed for each other to fulfill a special and unique plan and purpose together. Why else would he have a desire to win and provide and forge the world to make "something" of himself? And the wife was gifted him as one who will help him fulfill his Mission which is what submission is really all about. (I know... scary, misunderstood word by most. I've been there) Both are equally as important to the Mission and then the children come along to continue the Mission in their own plans and purposes. That's why we are called to raise them with such care, so they are prepared.  But they are not Our missions as Husband and Wife...They are apart of it. 
That being said... here's to another 50+ years of being married to the man God gave to me and the determination he had in pursuing me until I was forever his. I love you, respect you, Honor you, and Appreciate you! You are the start to My Life of Dreams!

Your,
Katie O'Lovely